Valley of the Shadow
by Fingersnaps
Summary: Following an accident Tim seeks solace... Established McAbby is contained within, if you don't like that, I suggest you look away now...


5

**Valley of the Shadow**

Timothy McGee ran down the street as fast as he could, unaware of the driving rain, he just had to get away from that place, away from the overwhelming pain. For three days and nights he'd waited and prayed, ignoring the ache in his chest and the soreness from his hands as his wife and unborn child had struggled to maintain a fragile hold on life…

"Tim! Wait up; you'll hurt yourself, Tim stop!"

He heard Gibbs' voice, but he couldn't stop, had to keep running, to escape from everything, everyone...Tim stumbled a little as he negotiated a flight of steps, his brief burst of energy almost spent. The doors at the top of the stairs were open and without conscious thought he went inside; it was quiet...peaceful, he could use some quiet. So tired...his knees gave way and Tim fell to the ground.

He was vaguely aware of someone beside him, he couldn't see, so many tears...it hurt to breathe, just like it had ever since the accident. He'd pushed the pain to the back of his mind as he sat beside his wife willing her to live.

"Tim, are you trying to do more damage? You've got broken ribs; you don't need to be running."

"Had...had to get away...felt like I was suffocating."

Gibbs took a firm hold on Tim's arm. "Come on Tim, sit next to me, catch your breath."

Tim was grateful for Gibbs' help, he wasn't sure he'd have been able to get up off his knees without assistance, he felt so weak, pathetic. He couldn't do anything right...the accident, if he'd been faster maybe they could have walked away. He tried to get his breathing under control, and registered for the first time that he was in a church, that smell, the faint scent of incense in the air...reminded him of their wedding day.

Abby's family church in New Orleans had been filled with everyone dear to the two of them; there was so much love and joy that day, and every day since. Tim had thought his happiness was complete when the priest had declared them husband and wife, but his cup had truly run over on that never to be forgotten night, seven weeks after their honeymoon when Abby told him she'd done the test and the line had turned blue. He'd lifted her in his arms and shed tears of joy, he truly was blessed, or so he thought. Until three days ago...

"We were so careful, after Abby got pregnant; we did everything by the book. We made sure we ate the right foods, I gave up alcohol too…didn't want her to feel like she was in this alone…she even gave up CafPow, for what? So some idiot who was more interested in his phone conversation than watching the road could smash into…I tried to get out of the way…"

"I know Tim; we all know there was nothing more you could have done."

"Then why? Why, couldn't I protect them? Isn't it what the man's supposed to do?"

"Guess that's what we think; can't always do it Tim, sometimes..."

Tim looked into his eyes and Gibbs caught a glimpse of the hell he'd been going through, he saw something more too...empathy.

"We made so many plans Boss, guess you should never look too far ahead...why am I telling you? You know better than anyone...How do you keep going day after day?"

"Best way I can...I miss them every waking minute, so I fill those minutes with work, build boats, make toys, anything to fill the empty space in my life. And I make mistakes, lots of 'em, just ask my ex-wives."

"You still go to church...after what happened, didn't you ever... Did you lose your faith?"

Gibbs looked at the candles either side of the altar and tried to come up with an answer, a way of explaining his belief to a man who was trying to come to terms with one of the most traumatic events he would ever live through. "Not going to lie to you Tim; after Shannon and Kelly were killed, I lost it, wanted to kill, or to die...there was a time I wasn't sure which I wanted more...one time I even put the gun barrel in my mouth. But I got to thinking...Sunday school lessons I guess...if I took my own life...would it mean we'd be apart through eternity? I couldn't take that chance."

"And that stopped you?

"The first time..."

Tim could barely believe what he was hearing; the seemingly immovable object that was Leroy Jethro Gibbs had contemplated suicide...more than once. "What stopped you the next time?"

A faraway look entered Gibbs' eyes and he turned to Tim with a half-smile. "Memories...so many memories Tim, I had to stay alive to remember."

"But you didn't tell any of us about them until after the _Cape Fear, _not even Ducky.

"Can't explain it; at first it hurt too much, couldn't even talk to my dad, or Shannon's mom. Then later, I guess it was easier to keep it inside, that way no one could open old wounds. I had Shannon and Kelly locked up inside me and I couldn't let them out...should have...we shared so much happiness, I was wrong to hide it away."

Tim took a chance and reached out to Gibbs, laying a hand on his arm, a small act of comfort to set against so much heartache. "You should have had a lifetime together."

Gibbs' eyes were bright even in the dim light of the church. "I had a lifetime with them Tim, their lifetime, and short as our time was, I cherish every minute we had together."

"Abby and I...we wasted so much time, if only I hadn't waited so long to ask her to try again. So many years we were friends when we could have been so much more."

"Being friends isn't such a bad thing, and do you really think Abby would have been ready to say yes back then?"

Tim managed to summon up a half-smile. "Guess not." The faint sound of a siren filtered through the open doors and Tim shuddered...that sound, he was back again screaming Abby's name as he struggled to get out of the car.

"Tim, breathe, come on, I've got you." Gibbs put his arm round Tim's shoulders and let him cry.

"I couldn't help...always useless...I got out, Abby's door...wouldn't open...I tried...so long..."

"Tim, you did get the door open, don't you remember? Look at your hands; you cut yourself on the broken glass to get to her, pulled her out before the fire. Don't ever forget that Tim."

"I...I did?" He delved deep into his memory...looked down at the dressings on his hands...he wiped away the tears from his cheeks and Gibbs was quick to notice the grimace of pain as Tim lifted his arm.

"We should get back to the hospital; I meant what I said about doing more damage."

"It's not so bad, no worse than before...can we stay just a little longer...something about the peace in a church...it's special." Tim hesitated, not sure if he could put into words why he had been drawn to this place rather than any of the other open doorways he had passed in his headlong run to escape the hospital. "When I was younger...after my dad said something that hurt me, or at high school when some of the older kids thought I needed to be taught a lesson...somehow I always found my way to a church...not sure I even prayed, not every time...just sat there...listening to the silence, it was balm to the soul I guess...still is..."

"Whatever you need Tim, we have time."

They sat together in silence, each immersed in their own thoughts. Gibbs wasn't surprised when, after a few minutes Tim got down on his knees, hands clasped together and head bowed, lips moving in silent prayer. When he was done he stood up and reached into his pocket for his money clip.

"Don't think I ever stopped praying…back at the hospital, over and over…spare them, take me…it was all I could think to offer, my life for theirs…seemed like a good deal…"

Tim tried to take some bills out of the clip, only his hands didn't seem like they wanted to co-operate, they were shaking so bad, wasn't just his hands that were shaking either. Gibbs slipped off his jacket and draped it over Tim's shoulders. Ducky had warned them all to look out for signs of delayed shock; after the seventy-two hours Tim had just gone through, watching his wife being given the last rites...was it any wonder it was all hitting him like a sledgehammer?

"That's it Tim, I'm getting you back to the hospital. You heard what the doctor said; they're easing up on the sedation, Abby should be waking up any time, you're the one she'll want to see when she opens her eyes."

"I…when Doctor Lawley said he wanted to talk with me today, I thought…God help me I thought he was going to ask me to agree to switch off the machines, and then…then he said…they're going to make it Boss…he told me, give them some time…they'll be okay…it was…the best news…only…I…I didn't know what to do Boss…so I ran…I thought I'd lost her for sure…"

"You married a fighter Tim, and she has everything to live for, she wasn't going to give up on you or the baby, any more than you gave up on her when she was trapped in the car."

Tim was still shivering, but the tremors were becoming less severe. "Are you ready to go?"

"Just one more thing I have to do...deep down I think it's why I came in here."

Tim walked slowly toward the altar, Gibbs at his side. With trembling hands Tim put some bills in the collection box, picked up a candle and held the wick to the flame of one of the candles already burning. It was an awkward process given the dressings on his hands, but much as Gibbs wanted to help, he knew that this was an act of thanksgiving that Tim would want to do for himself. The candle sputtered into life and Tim placed it carefully in a vacant holder, he repeated the process and Gibbs was ready to take his arm and guide him from the church when Tim surprised him by reaching for a third candle, then a fourth. He bowed his head for a few seconds, then turned to leave.

"Four candles Tim?"

"Like I said Boss, it's why I came, to thank Him for Abby and the baby…and…if it's okay…for Shannon and Kelly too, four lives, four blessings."

Gibbs swallowed the lump in his throat. "More than okay Tim…"

"We should get back, I have to see Abby, and to thank everyone for being with me…I may not have said it, but it meant so much knowing you were all there…"

"Nowhere else we were going to be Tim, not when you needed us, it's what families do."

Tim nodded and turned to leave, he felt Gibbs' strong arms holding him upright.

"Whoa there Tim, take it slow; you've had it rough the last few days; you have time, she'll be waiting for you."

Slow but sure, they made their way back up the aisle, they stepped outside to discover the rain had stopped, and the clouds had lifted, Tim smiled and lifted his head to take in the warm rays of the morning sun. A new day was beginning…

THE END

_Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. _Psalm 23 (King James Bible)


End file.
